The challenge I’ve had to recognise this week, which I really don’t want to face, is the matter of finances, both current and projected. It is easy to live beyond your means and in my enthusiasm, I have been doing just. I have been spending to make the many necessary changes across the farm, but as yet, there is very little coming back in. The worst offender is the RPA (Rural Payments Agency) who are unhelpful and so slow to make repayments it squeezes many farmers into very uncomfortable territory and I have had several restless nights over the declining bank balance.

It’s a sensitive subject, money. British values tell us not to ask about it, talk about it or ask for it. Some people find it awkward to discuss it at all. I have certainly said to my children not to ask how much people earn or how much things cost when their natural curiosity enquires of it. So I have passed on the taboo into the next generation so it will likely remain impolite to talk about money, in my family anyway. I feel awkward writing about it too. But I promised myself a year of honesty and writing about all that is going on – the highs and the lows, so I am not going to hide from myself and I will write about it despite how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

I cannot keep living beyond my means. Having projected forwards, if I keep going at my current spending levels, I will run out. It’s as simple as that. So I need to be better at bringing money into this estate because it is too easy to spend it. The environmental changes are so important to make: for the soil, for the biodiversity, for our health, but there is no income from any of that, especially when the RPA don’t pay up. So how do we make these vital changes if we can’t afford to do so? I am lucky that I have a cushion, which I have taken for granted I admit, and I can afford to try but I now have come to realise that I can’t always making these changes if it continues to run at such a loss. The cushion is rapidly getting thinner and won’t always be there.

As consumers, we have all enjoyed the falling food prices. 50 years ago we spent around 33% of our annual salary on food. It is now only 8%. We all balk at the thought of buying food at its true cost to manage the land and raise animals in a more environmentally friendly way. Yet, we all want a healthier planet and the healthy ecosystem, water and food that is the natural consequence of that. If we raise chickens how they should be raised; in sensible numbers, in open spaces with access to grass, trees and natural forage yet safe from predators, they would then cost around £40 each. That is why when I was a child, we hardly ever ate chicken: we couldn’t afford to. Nowadays, fed (no pun intended) on the myth that white meat is healthier than any other, it is now expected that we eat chicken several times a week, and for some, daily. But this cost is in fact simply passed on – it is massively polluting and poor for animal welfare as well as farmers. The system is broken.

Alas, it doesn’t solve my problem of living beyond my means. I am not expecting to solve that in one day of opening my heart to look at what is lurking in the shadows. It has however been the challenge of the week and will continue to be as I strive to find an answer. It has to be right: to do the right thing for the planet, for the community, for our health and for the whole ecosystem. I just hope I can find the solution before my cushion completely disappears.

It requires trust, a big dose of trust. It would be so much easier to stop all of it and cling onto what I have got and let others make the changes the planet needs. To stay comfortable and greedy while looking on at the others who are struggling. But I couldn’t do that despite how tempting it seems in my darker moments. I have taken the metaphorical blue pill (or was it the red pill?) from the Matrix trilogy. Once you have taken the blue pill, you can see the emergence of the New World but you can’t ever ‘un-see’ it, no longer being able to accept the old world either. It is a dated film now we are in 2025, but I draw many parallels to what is happening around me now.

I am reminded by the wonderful statement “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked” (Luke 12:48). It certainly does feel pretty demanding, but I shall dig deep, trust and work hard to find solutions.