A little over a year ago, I was on a course called Primal Gathering; about connecting people to the land and creating community. I learned a lot and enjoyed meeting like-minded souls all developing skills to better understand themselves and their environment. My biggest revelation was in one of the first workshops when we were asked, whilst in pairs, what we wanted to get out of our few days whilst on the course. As I sat and thought deeply about what I wanted, I realised with some surprise, that I had no idea. Not only did I not know what I wanted to get out of the course, I also realised I had no idea how to ask myself the question: ‘what do I want?’ It was emotional for me to realise that I have spent my entire life, all 48 years of it, pleasing other people and fulfilling what they wanted, not even knowing what it was that I wanted.

Of course it is not a bad thing to be a people-pleaser; there are a lot of us and, collectively, we make the world a kinder place. But to live a life fulfilling the beliefs, dreams and hopes of others is to miss an opportunity to find that soul nourishing, fulfilling act of finding and furthering one’s own dreams and aspirations. This is of course why I am a therapist: it is all about healing other people. However, when running the estate here, it seemed an important question to ask and it has been an even more important answer to find: what is it that I want to achieve here? A year later, I am still trying to work out the answer, because as yet, I still haven’t learned how to ask myself the question. This, I feel, may need some explaining…

I can ask the question to myself as words of course, but when I deeply listen to myself for an answer, all I hear in my head or all I can think about is ‘what does so and so want?’ or ‘what would make so and so happy?’ ‘So and so’ being my mother, my husband, my children, or even whoever’s book or article I am reading at that moment or have read recently, I am compelled to do what they think I should do. This is one reason why I can be a bit scattered and have a head full of too many plans and ideas – they belong to everyone else. There are a multitude of great things that we can do here so it is important to narrow down the list into something achievable.

It is possible of course that my skill is to take the good ideas from others and blend them into a unique concoction to create something new. Like alchemy. Like witchcraft. Hmm, I like that idea. I do feel like I identify as a witch; a green witch who speaks to the land and becomes the necessary human instigator of what the land is asking for and needs. The land needs human input as there are numerous things it cannot do alone. One thing I can do well is listen and while listening to the land, I perceived it asking for the soil to be healed, for more soil microbes and for greater diversity of species – grasses, plants, animals, wildlife and people.

Maybe this is my position and my soul’s purpose. Maybe this is what I want: to live in greater reciprocity with the landscape, with the whole ecosystem. For the whole to thrive, not just one part and not just me. This involves inviting others to come and share this amazing, nurturing, healing space. To live in harmony with every thing and every one that surrounds me. To have the wisdom and guidance to listen to what needs changing or needs to be continued. To live with love at the centre so that I can meet myself and others with compassion, understanding and acceptance. To even attempt this seems like the greatest gift and perhaps it is because I have spent 48 years listening to the needs of others that I feel this way and this blog and the discipline of searching for something to write every week has given me the gift of finally seeing it this way. We all must thrive within any ecosystem, for the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. As a society we have just spent too long obsessed about the parts whilst forgetting the bigger picture.

I feel like I now do know what I want. The next step is to learn how to ask for it and to believe, deeply that I can make it happen. Collectively, I believe we can.