Here we are again; the nights are closing in, a chill is in the air, schools are at the end of term and the talk of Christmas is inescapable. An ever-increasing inner conflict fills my heart. My family: of all the loves I have in my life, and there are many, my family are by far and away the most important and the greatest love of my life. To spend quality time with them, enjoying a meal together and playing games is my favourite and I know the time will be filled with laughter. For me personally, this time is overshadowed by the societal pressure of needing to have more of everything. It’s greed, sprinkled with commercialised messages that we should all eat too much, drink too much, buy too much and then wrap all of it up with too much plastic, all of which will end up in landfill by the new year. And for what?

Our planet is struggling with humanity’s obsession with excess comfort and having too much stuff and then every year we add all this on top… what are we collectively doing to ourselves? Then there is the madness of illuminating everything in sight using even more electricity, cutting down millions of trees not even native to our country which will have to be burned or thrown away a few weeks later and I don’t even know where to start with pointlessness of Christmas crackers. Why have we all taken this so far, in a time when we know the planet can’t sustain our behaviour? Is it just me that struggles with all this?

I do admit that I follow along with this madness, but what are we all doing following blindly along with traditions that have surely gone too far? Does having all this excess actually make us have a better or happier time? I don’t think so. For me I am trapped with a dichotomy: to continue with traditions, filling my children’s hearts with love and encouraging the joy of giving, versus the guilt of receiving yet more unwanted crap that I then feel yet more guilt for giving or throwing away. Then buying things for others that I am worried that they don’t really need (the people in my life really don’t need anything) or that they too might feel guilt for the desire to actually give it away to someone else. I then analyse how things are made, ethical or not? Where things are made, slave labour or not? How far did it travel to get here, UK or not? Who is selling it, ethical company or not? Do I actually even know how to measure that? What is the product made of, sustainable or not? Then if it’s edible, how was it farmed and does it comply with my own standards or not? Organic or not? Containing additives or not? Exhausting, and I am filled with conflict about things I can’t even always measure.

To a lesser extent I have the same problem with food. There is just too much of it, but I absolutely adore the main Christmas lunch. Irritatingly, I choose to add the pressure of having to make everything from scratch, including the sausages, as I can’t bring myself to buy unnecessary additives. I bring this pressure on myself of course, but I am not sure how to do it differently when to buy food that I am capable of making fills me with yet more guilt. It is wonderful and a blessing to be able to raise animals with respect and a good life, but the downside is that I can’t bring myself to eat anything that hasn’t been produced with the same ethics. What seems to be a idillic situation in fact is filled with more conflict when viewed from a different angle.

Then there is the self disgust and more guilt at being a brat and complaining about what is in fact a blessing; at least there is plenty of food, when for others there isn’t any, or certainly not enough. That is another one of my points: there is such excess for some, not enough for others and a pressure that we all should be having an amazing time whilst revelling in such unnecessary gluttony. It seems to me we have lost the original concept, which came well before christianity, of coming together during the darker days to share and feast on the animals who couldn’t be kept through the winter months, to celebrate and give thanks to them for their life sustained the village.

We know the planet is at breaking point and we know we need to change our behaviour but how do we actually do that in practice? The sheer number of ethical dilemmas is overwhelming and exhausting and results in me feeling bad from numerous angles. Sure, I will cover it up and enjoy the laughter, food, friends and merriment, but I know that lurking within me is the conflict that this just isn’t right. We all need to change this out dated custom. I am not sure I am brave enough to be the first though.