Despite knowing that during the winter months, if we choose to live in rhythm with the land, we should quieten ourselves, take time to rest our own energy system and nourish ourselves mentally and physically, I have not managed to achieve this at all this passing winter. Despite numerous attempts at quietening myself, the world around me has whipped me into its flurry of activity and swept me into its chaotic, tumultuous currents. I feel battered, bruised and exhausted from being emotionally swept along and caught within eddies and currents that have assaulted my own protective energy field. Damn, I had hoped that the skills I have learned thus far in life would have prepared me for this moment but it turns out that my lesson is, once again, to dig deeper and find yet more resilience; I am just as vulnerable as everyone else as the challenges get harder.

I haven’t taken enough time or had the head space to sit and write, which I have learned over the past year, helps me to consolidate and make sense of my thoughts and emotions. I haven’t done any social media videos, even though I was on a trajectory towards a better understanding of what it was I wanted to share. I have found that taking videos requires me to feel at least a little upbeat and feeling sociable and I haven’t felt either of those things in recent weeks. Which is interesting to observe and shows that what is shared online can only be the best part of anyone’s story, not the whole of it. Worth remembering if it ever seems as though others have the ‘perfect life’.

There has been a lot happening on the farm and as always at this time, I have enjoyed the increasing glimmers of spring’s arrival. Now that the rain has calmed down and the mud begins to dry, there is hopefulness and positivity returning once again. I have said goodbye to the pigs, who have gone on to breed for another farmer. I realised, having sold all ten piglets that were born this winter, each worth £65, that as that took 6 months (almost 4 months gestation and 2 months until weaning) that rearing pigs is a fool’s game; there is not even nearly enough money in them for all the time, effort, money and feed to produce them. Sadly, the UK consumer doesn’t value enough the ethically reared pig or the meat that comes from them to add enough value for pig farming to make sense. Intensive agriculture has crushed the market and made it unsustainable for the small producer. I hope one day we may go back to pigs as I like having them, but their value needs to reflect the massive workload and the cost to feed them, before I would consider it again. I am going to try producing ethically raised chicken instead.

We have now got a couple of cockerels for our egg laying hens which has been surprisingly delightful. Thankfully they haven’t yet woken me up too early and I love hearing them as I walk around the garden. I am told that I won’t be able to keep both of them as they will start to fight, but so far there has been no sign of this so they are both living on and happily strutting about, protecting the three hens and declaring the garden their territory with a call that makes my children think of the Shawn the Sheep theme tune every time they hear it.

The cattle are back out in the fields which is always a delight to see and feel their relief at having the sun on their backs once again. The four calves born so far have created their own creche; they eat, snooze and play together while the adults do the same nearby. The bull will be back to us soon so they’ll have to be split up again in order for us to control when calves are born next year. Having had some born in the freezing cold and wet fields around the beginning of January, we have decided to keep him away from any fertile girls until later in the year so that they calve in spring instead. This will hopefully be easier to manage and prevent the need for nursing a sick calf in the kitchen again!

I must make the most of the land drying out to prepare the fields for the crops that are to be planted before the soil dries out too much; there isn’t usually much of a window to get this done so there is little time to wait. With the spring equinox this weekend it feels as though life and energy is emerging again all around me and I am consciously connecting to the sanity of the natural world as much as I can and as often as I can so that I, hopefully, can avoid getting whipped into the chaos and madness of others again. Connecting to what is real feels to be the best way to cope at the moment and is the best medicine on offer. I hope there are plenty of others who are doing the same as we will need each other if it gets too mad out there.